So for the last month or so I have been looking forward to November 21. It was the Amy Grant Lead Me On 20th Anniversary concert in Morristown, NJ. I was eagerly anticipating going to Sound check and the concert, but I also know that I would probably be disappointed. I usually am disappointed when i attend any show by myself. I’m okay with attending on my own as I would rather enjoy the concert on my own as I enjoy the music, than to take someone who doesn’t “get it”. I have a lot of friends who would not understand how much Amy Grant’s music was a formidable component of who I was and who I have become. The concert was 10 miles from where I grew up and the whole experience was surreal. This is the music I listened to in the latter years of high school and throughout college. It was also the music that I never got to experience live since I became a fan about 17 years ago. So I felt like this was a concert that should have been pegged somewhere in the “I missed it years ago, let’s fill in the holes/void of my history”. It shocked me how much it mentally took me back into the pages of my “story”.
Well, sound check was fairly mellow. I just sat there and took it all in. Some really crazy fanatics as I “think” I used to be. There was one woman who would just shout things out and was pretty obnoxious. I don’t think I have ever been that way. It’s not in my personality to be “look and me, look at me” when there is a crowd of people. But there was also someone there I met in 1996 at the Wildhorse Saloon in Nashville at the first FOA reception.
Prior to the concert, I had read John’s facebook posts. I would roll my eyes as he went on and on about the 5 concert he had been to. I read these posts and thought… please get a life. But as I caught up with John again after the sound check, I realized that he has an energy and an enthusiasm that I no longer have. I respect him so much more now. He acknowledges that he’s over the top. I think that’s all I was looking for. At least when I loosely joke that he’s crazy, he knows it.
Anyway, I found the entire night to be exciting and fun but for the most part, confusing. My worlds collided with a really strong force – past and present, spiritual and secular. Everything I have been feeling this semester came crashing down on me on Friday. On Friday, I was 20 years old again with all of the experiences I have had over the last 17 years up to the present. I danced at the concert with all of the other Amy Grant fans in the audience. I surrounded myself with the fans. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that, and you know what???? I had a blast!!! John was kind enough to give me a meet & greet pass he had so I had the opportunity to talk to Amy for a moment after the show. In my mind I was back in Nashville again, wanting to be respectful of this person before me and not cross any “lines”. I ended up mentioning something about going to church in Nashville during the time I lived there. Amy mentioned something about recognizing me but never knowing where to place me. At the end, I asked Amy if she keeps in touch with Mack and she told me where I could find his contact information. I plan to email him soon, but I really don’t know what to say. I want to reconnect with him, especially after the flood of emotions I felt after the concert on Friday, but I feel more lost than ever. I still feel like I may have “crossed the line” in talking to Amy… but I need to realize, she is a human being, and due to circumstances in my past, our paths have crossed outside of the concert arena… why should I feel bad about that?
Ever since I’ve been back in NYC, I feel like I’ve embraced my Jewish roots more than ever. However, I also realize that I shun religion more than ever. I have faith, but who that God is I have no clue. I feel somewhat hypocritical to every “religious” sector. Friday made this feeling stronger than ever. The music brought it all back to me. However, I feeel like I have no place in this world. That should not be interpreted as though I don’t have a life, I just feel like if my life were to settle down at this very moment, where would I “settle”? I need to be somewhere where I fit in. And yet, I almost feel like I don’t fit in anywhere.
