MJ News

What a fantastic day!  Graduation took place at Radio City Music Hall.  I loved the opportunity to sit in the front row of the theater with my fellow block-mates.  We were all taking tons of pictures beforehand.  The ceremony was long with each name being called as we all had the opportunity to walk across the stage to be acknowledged.

Dinner with my parents and brother was equally wonderful.  It has been a long long time since we have been together, just the 4 of us.  We all got along and there didn’t seem to be tension in the air at all.  I appreciated every moment!  It made me miss being together so seamlessly.  It is amazing how lives take on different directions and really change priorities.  It would be so good to establish a standing anniversary dinner to celebrate our nuclear family.  Just one day a year to cherish the time that was, years and years ago.

I still don’t juggle family and friends very well, this day worked out so much better than I had expected!  YAY!

Oh, yea, and I have officially graduated (although the administration was quick to add… “pending satisfatory completion of all requirements”)

So I finally walk away with my MBA tomorrow.  My parents are in town (well, right now they are in NJ) and will be coming to the ceremony tomorrow as will my brother.  The whole process is so bittersweet.  I am happy to be done with school.  However, I have trepidations over what’s to come.

As I alluded to in another post, this is the first time I feel like I am stepping forward without passion.  There is a sameness to this step that does not light any fires within me.  It is a hard reality to face.

I have tried to make the most of post-term.  Went to everything up until tonight.  I just don’t have it in me to go tonight.  I am finally crying uncle.  My body is beat up and exhausted.  I know tomorrow will be a different kind of exhaustion as I deal with family.  As much as I love being around my parents, the feeling like I am constantly juggling parents and other commitments wears me out.  Where do people find all of this energy?

The next couple of months will be full of transition.  It will all start with the trip to the Dominican… then I turn another year older… then a new full time job… then moving.

For now, though, I am ecstatic to be graduating tomorrow.  I am so excited to see my parents!  And I am excited for the first alumni party tomorrow night.  As for everything else… it’ll work itself out… it always does.

So my goal was to be 100% finished by now…

I’m not…

But I’m getting there…

I should go to sleep.  Get a good nights sleep before I head into work tomorrow morning… A full day of work (almost)…

I am feeling so much better today.  It probably has something to do with the fact that I had an ambien-induced night of sleep last night.  It also has something to do with taking 2 final exams today.  Wow, today has been a long day!

I had a complete mental breakdown yesterday.  Visions of high school came back to haunt me and I am still amazed at the power of those feelings.  I realized last night that I never talk about those days.  I mean, there is nothing to talk about really.  It was such a dark blip in my life.  I learned how to cope and realized the things I had to do to overcome.  Sometimes I wonder if those dark days are a dramatic figment of my imagination.  But it was so very real.  And scary.  Scary to the point that when my mind reflects on those days, I am indeed having a dark day.

Suffice to say, today is a better day!  The pressure to study and to push myself is alleviated.  The end of schoolwork is in sight.  Post-term is almost upon us.  The trip to Atlantic City is near.  There are some very good days ahead

In 24 hours I will be finished with 2 exams and hopefully 1 final paper… Head down… plow through it…

Every day when I’m walking home from class, I think about writing in my journal.  It’s not something I do very often but I know when something is really stirring within me, I want to sit and contemplate.  Sometimes it’s just a major venting session… I’ve always said that if anyone read my journals, they would think that I am the most angry person around.  I’m really not… I just find that articulating my feelings in writing allows me to overcome issues.  As I write what is on my mind, I start seeing the issue from a more meaningful perspective.  I no longer view just the facade but see multiple sides and depth to what’s on my mind.  Meanwhile, when I don’t sit and analyze the topic, I lose all perspective and feel inklings of insecurity creep into my thoughts.

I haven’t made the time to write.  Part of the reason is that I’ve been busy.  With final projects and exams on the immediate horizon, there just seem to be other pressing issues to attack before being able to take some “me” time to write.  I’ve also been ignoring the issues.  This past week, I think I went out every evening.  The escape from reality has been a welcome distraction, but it also puts me in denial.  In the end, I know I will hit bottom far harder than I would if I just attacked the issue and moved forward.  I never thought I was someone who lived in denial until a couple of years ago when I was diagnosed with IBD.  It’s amazing how easy it is to act like everything is normal when there is something very wrong.