I have an itch to start some trouble. Not the bad kind of trouble… just the exciting kind. I feel a pull in two directions, either (i) drop into a depressing funk which tends to appear around the holidays or (ii) start some trouble. The former isn’t terribly appealing, so I’ll choose the latter. Whether or not I can successfully pull that off, I’m not sure.

The good news over the last couple of weeks is that my dad is okay. He had a mastectomy a couple of weeks ago where they also removed 3 lymph nodes. All nodes came back clean with no appearance of cancer. He will be placed on a course of treatment to prevent re-occurrence but otherwise he is fine. THANK GOD! I am so relieved that he is okay.

Through everything my dad has been through in the last two months, I am reminded how short life is. I had the best weekend when they were in town in mid-October. I cherished every moment with my parents. Amazing how when life is going well and seamless, everything gets taken for granted. While I want to say that I will never again do that, I know it is an inevitable part of life. I am extremely thankful to have amazing, supportive parents.

The greatest guy on earth. Yes, I’m a daddy’s girl, always have been, always will be. I love my dad more than anything. Today he had a lumpectomy. A couple of months ago, my dad found a mass in his left breast tissue. A couple of weeks ago, when he was helping me carry some stuff up to my apartment, one of the boxes rubbed against that mass causing some discomfort. My dad realized this was not normal and went to the doctor to investigate. One doctor led to ultrasounds, a mammogram and ultimately to an oncology surgeon.

Biopsies were done last week. The doctor called on Wednesday to let my dad know that it looks to be a nasty cyst… No cancer cells present. Thursday, at the doctor’s visit, the doctor informed my parents that there was a second biopsy where the pathology report indicated “suspicious” cells.

So today was surgery day. The doctor seems to think that this is a combination of a cyst with some cancer cells. Of course, without the biopsy, nothing in confirmed, but all signs point to a cancer fight. It will be another couple of weeks before a mastectomy is performed. Once that is completed, we will have more of an idea of what type of fight is ahead of us.

Saying that it’s so hard to see my dad experience this is the biggest understatement of my life. I have never been so devastated. When my parents called me on Thursday with the change of news, I couldn’t even finish the workday. When I think about the mortality of my dad, I cannot maintain a dry eye. Even when he’s healthy and I think about something happening to him, I break down, so imagine the basket-case I’ve been lately…

The last two weeks have felt like the longest of my life. Why does it take such dramatic news to remind me to live for today and not wait for tomorrow. There are so many things I want to do. I spend a lot of time researching those outlets, but never seem to find the time to explore them. Life is too short to keep saying I’ll get to them.

I am mesmerized by all of the news this week.  The most buzz is regarding the death of Michael Jackson.  While everyone is shocked by his death, part of me was not surprised.  For a long time, I felt like he was going to pass away at a young age.  I am mesmerized by the commentary of those who knew him.  I am not really interested watching recounts of his life, I am way more fascinated by the words of the people who knew him personally.

In death, there is life.  Bizarre how it takes the passing of someone to reflect on the true emotions one has for another.  Why do we get caught up in our own everyday lives and in the process disregard the lives of others?  I was reading an article this morning in which Lisa Marie Presley was commenting about her relationship with and feelings towards Michael Jackson:

“All of my indifference and detachment that I worked so hard to achieve over the years has just gone into the bowels of hell and right now I am gutted.”

Granted, this statement is taken out of context.  But it is a commentary that reflects human nature.  At least it is true of me.  It is so easy to become so focused on what I have in front of me, that it sometimes takes an extra effort to keep in touch with those relationships I have outside a particular area or circle.  And those are the people with whom I am on good terms.  That’s not saying anything about those people towards whom I feel anger or resentment.

Over the years, I have gotten much better about dealing with being hurt or wronged.  Usually there’s a situation that has occurred that is being misconstrued.  The hurt feelings behind it are usually blown out of proportion in my head.  So when the situation is addressed with the other party, the air gets cleared.  However, it’s the long-distance blows that tend to stay stagnant and destroy relationships permanently.  This is how the above-referenced quote resonates with me.  Those times when we convince ourselves that we don’t care, that a relationship is not worth mending.  But then the time comes when we no longer have the option to mend the relationship.  Circumstance removes our own control and it’s too late to demonstrate how much we did care.  In the end, we are left wishing we had shown compassion for the other party, knowing despite the situation, it is worth putting the emotions out there to mend the friendship.

What a fantastic day!  Graduation took place at Radio City Music Hall.  I loved the opportunity to sit in the front row of the theater with my fellow block-mates.  We were all taking tons of pictures beforehand.  The ceremony was long with each name being called as we all had the opportunity to walk across the stage to be acknowledged.

Dinner with my parents and brother was equally wonderful.  It has been a long long time since we have been together, just the 4 of us.  We all got along and there didn’t seem to be tension in the air at all.  I appreciated every moment!  It made me miss being together so seamlessly.  It is amazing how lives take on different directions and really change priorities.  It would be so good to establish a standing anniversary dinner to celebrate our nuclear family.  Just one day a year to cherish the time that was, years and years ago.

I still don’t juggle family and friends very well, this day worked out so much better than I had expected!  YAY!

Oh, yea, and I have officially graduated (although the administration was quick to add… “pending satisfatory completion of all requirements”)

So I finally walk away with my MBA tomorrow.  My parents are in town (well, right now they are in NJ) and will be coming to the ceremony tomorrow as will my brother.  The whole process is so bittersweet.  I am happy to be done with school.  However, I have trepidations over what’s to come.

As I alluded to in another post, this is the first time I feel like I am stepping forward without passion.  There is a sameness to this step that does not light any fires within me.  It is a hard reality to face.

I have tried to make the most of post-term.  Went to everything up until tonight.  I just don’t have it in me to go tonight.  I am finally crying uncle.  My body is beat up and exhausted.  I know tomorrow will be a different kind of exhaustion as I deal with family.  As much as I love being around my parents, the feeling like I am constantly juggling parents and other commitments wears me out.  Where do people find all of this energy?

The next couple of months will be full of transition.  It will all start with the trip to the Dominican… then I turn another year older… then a new full time job… then moving.

For now, though, I am ecstatic to be graduating tomorrow.  I am so excited to see my parents!  And I am excited for the first alumni party tomorrow night.  As for everything else… it’ll work itself out… it always does.

So my goal was to be 100% finished by now…

I’m not…

But I’m getting there…

I should go to sleep.  Get a good nights sleep before I head into work tomorrow morning… A full day of work (almost)…

I am feeling so much better today.  It probably has something to do with the fact that I had an ambien-induced night of sleep last night.  It also has something to do with taking 2 final exams today.  Wow, today has been a long day!

I had a complete mental breakdown yesterday.  Visions of high school came back to haunt me and I am still amazed at the power of those feelings.  I realized last night that I never talk about those days.  I mean, there is nothing to talk about really.  It was such a dark blip in my life.  I learned how to cope and realized the things I had to do to overcome.  Sometimes I wonder if those dark days are a dramatic figment of my imagination.  But it was so very real.  And scary.  Scary to the point that when my mind reflects on those days, I am indeed having a dark day.

Suffice to say, today is a better day!  The pressure to study and to push myself is alleviated.  The end of schoolwork is in sight.  Post-term is almost upon us.  The trip to Atlantic City is near.  There are some very good days ahead

In 24 hours I will be finished with 2 exams and hopefully 1 final paper… Head down… plow through it…

Every day when I’m walking home from class, I think about writing in my journal.  It’s not something I do very often but I know when something is really stirring within me, I want to sit and contemplate.  Sometimes it’s just a major venting session… I’ve always said that if anyone read my journals, they would think that I am the most angry person around.  I’m really not… I just find that articulating my feelings in writing allows me to overcome issues.  As I write what is on my mind, I start seeing the issue from a more meaningful perspective.  I no longer view just the facade but see multiple sides and depth to what’s on my mind.  Meanwhile, when I don’t sit and analyze the topic, I lose all perspective and feel inklings of insecurity creep into my thoughts.

I haven’t made the time to write.  Part of the reason is that I’ve been busy.  With final projects and exams on the immediate horizon, there just seem to be other pressing issues to attack before being able to take some “me” time to write.  I’ve also been ignoring the issues.  This past week, I think I went out every evening.  The escape from reality has been a welcome distraction, but it also puts me in denial.  In the end, I know I will hit bottom far harder than I would if I just attacked the issue and moved forward.  I never thought I was someone who lived in denial until a couple of years ago when I was diagnosed with IBD.  It’s amazing how easy it is to act like everything is normal when there is something very wrong.

I’m surprised that I am getting a little sentimental about ending business school.  It’s not the same feeling as undergrad… but there is a sweet sadness about moving onto the next stage of life.  I feel like this next leap is going to be so different from all of the other stages that have come before.  There is less inherent passion for what I am doing.  I’m looking forward to having a stable life and to see where my life takes me in the next couple of years.  My biggest fear?  The status quo.  I am nervous that I will live the next few years… day in and day out, with days turning into weeks that turn into months and years with nothing different in routine.

Every segment of my life has been lived with different eyes.  I can say that with absolute certainty as my adult life has been lived in 3 different cities with very different jobs in each place.  These life experiences shaped who I am and how I see the world.  I don’t know if I would feel as fulfilled as I do if even one of those experiences did not exist.

Staying in NYC does this to me.  There is a lack of newness to me.  NYC exudes stability and stagnation.  That’s part of the reason why I longed to move to another city before I got a post-bschool job.  Fortunately, I got a job and a job in real estate no less.  However, I can’t shake the feeling that life may turn into a distinct sameness that I abhor.

Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to what the next stage of my life has to offer, but as I work my way into my 30s, I wonder if I have hit all of the turning points in my life already.  I wonder if, as the cliche goes, my best days are behind me.  But while I think about these things, I will refuse to look at these words and feelings and feel depressed.  After all, I have control over the choices I make and I can dictate sameness or uniqueness.  I know how to shake up my life.  The transition may be challenging, but I will grow to welcome the change and settle into a life that is different from my life that has come before and that has forever been changed by the choices I’ve made up to this point.

I don’t like labels.  They bother me.  Whether it’s fashion or music or boyfriends.  Labels are just a tool people use to define things.  Not everything needs to be defined.  People have this inherent desire to put things in boxes.  Okay, you’re carrying a Louis Vuitton handbag?  Guess you are showy or have a lot of money…

I feel the same way with religion.  This weekend I was talking with my mom about faith vs. religion vs. culture.  It’s a conversation we have every so often.  Thankfully it is not too often as the conversation tends to leave me very frustrated.  As much as I am independent, I still hope for my parents understanding and blessing in the life choices I’ve made.  This one conversation always leaves me relatively cold.  I strive for some recognition from my mom that she can relate to my faith.  I never get it.  And yet, in 8 years I still haven’t come to terms with that.

People ask me, what’s your religion… or they say, what do you believe… or what is your background.  All three questions have different answers… I never know how to explain that.  What answer are they looking for?  Do they want to know what I believe?  I believe in God and I believe in Jesus… But my background is Jewish.  Wait… did I just open up a can of worms?  Maybe.  But do I want to delve into a conversation with someone who asked an innocent question?  Labels… I don’t fit into one.  And because I don’t fit into one… I get judged differently.  Or people don’t know where to put me, but they don’t necessarily want to hear the back story and I don’t necessarily want to share.  Maybe if someone said, wow, that’s interesting, I’d love to sit and have a cup of coffee with you and hear about that.  Lately, those questions arise in passing.  Someone asking a very innocent question that should be easy to answer.  For me, it’s not.

Labels… I hate them.  Please don’t place me in a box… I outgrew the box a long time ago and I don’t plan to return anytime soon.