MJ News

So there are only 6 weeks left until graduation.  I can’t believe I am almost finished getting my MBA.  My problem is… what’s next?  With the economy the way it is, finding a job seems near impossible.  I am trying not to worry about finding a job I like and just look for a job.  But I can’t do that.  It’s not within my personality.  I’ve never experienced a situation like this before.  Whenever I needed a job I have always been able to find one… but I feel like I wasn’t as discerning.  In some regards, I feel like getting my MBA will be for nothing if I can’t find a job that pays me well enough to live where I want to live and pay my bills and loans in a prompt manner.

As I am sitting in bed resting this Christmas, I am reflecting on how blessed I am.  I have so much in my life, I really have very little to complain about.  Sure, I would like this cold I have to go away.  Having a cold at anytime is not ideal.  Sure, I would like my parents to understand my faith.  Sure, I wish I were surrounded by family and friends on Christmas morning to celebrate the holiday.  But I have people in my life who love me.  I can live comfortably.  There is not a whole lot I lack in my life.  It is so easy to always want more.  All the time.  It is so easy to complain about what is wrong, or what I want more, and, in the process, forgetting that I have so much.  This is my life and it’s a pretty good one.

I attended a candlelight service last night in midtown.  It was and always is a beautiful service.  Afterward, I had a serendipitous evening.  I met a good friend and we went to dinner.  Nothing fancy, although Houston’s is a bit above average in the restaurant category and is consistently one of my favorites.  I say the evening was serendipitous as I was expecting to spend the evening alone.  I almost think it is better to tame expectations to experience those situations that just allow one to feel blessed.

So, as I lie here in bed, I smile knowing I am traveling in a few days with some good friends and acquaintances.  I smile knowing I will be sharing Christmas dinner with strangers and a good friend.  And I smile knowing the end of 2008 brought me back to my faith that I had lost for so long.

Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas, a very Happy Hanukah, and a Happy New Year with abundant health and happiness in 2009!

Yesterday, I took my 3 year-old niece figure skating.  My brother had asked me if I were interested in participating since he knows I’m a skater.  So we were bundled up and off we went to the rink.  My sister-in-law sat with my other niece who is way too small and young to be skating (she’s only 10 weeks!).  So my brother, niece and I lace up our skates and we’re ready to hit the ice.  My niece immediately gets scared when her blades hit the ice as her balance is tested.  My brother and I try to figure out what is the best way to support her as she figures out what it means to ice skate.  We go a short distance, maybe less than a quarter of the way around the rink, when I see that Anna (my niece) is crying (tearing really) and stating that she can’t do it.  It about broke my heart.  These were not crocodile tears, they were frustrated tears.  And since when does a 3 year old know the word “can’t”?  It really tugged an emotion inside me.  After all, I’ve said that I can’t do something before… usually it comes from a place where I don’t want to try or am just physically incapable of doing something.  This is not the same frame of reference for Anna.  Anna was frustrated.  Here’s a new sport she’s trying… I don’t know how many sports she’s tried… She’s so young and she’s not really a tomboy… But she was just uncomfortable cause it wasn’t inherently obvious how to skate.  Anyway, my brother and I were super supportive.  I kept getting down on the ice to give her a pep-talk.  Telling her that she’s doing great!  I also told her that I didn’t want to hear her say “she can’t do it”, cause it’s new and it takes practice but she can do it… she hadn’t even fallen once, we wouldn’t let her.  We went around once and then we all took a break.  (My brother and I actually needed the break!  Our backs were killing us as we supported Anna around the ice)  My brother and I did a couple of laps on our own and then we went to see if Anna wanted to try again.  She did and we hit the ice again, this time going much faster.  We were still pushing/pulling her… She got frustrated again, at the end, still saying that she “can’t” do it.

When do we learn that?  When?  She seems too young to feel like she “can’t” do something.  Isn’t the world supposed to be full of possibilities?  What are kids learning that they think they cannot do something?  Especially young children!  How can we unteach this?  From now on, I will be very very careful about using the word “can’t”.

my old pastor today… I realized during the course of the conversation how much I’ve matured over the last 6 years.  Things that seemed like a big deal when I was in Nashville just are not anymore.  I think I’ve always respected people’s privacy so much that it impeded conversation.  I would not ask about someone’s family for fear of encroaching on certain privacy lines.  Not anymore… And, that’s a good thing.  I feel like I’m normal now   or at least come to some socially acceptable standard (maybe I’ve just caught up with the rest of the world)

We talked for almost an hour.  Catching up and visitng.  Over the phone, that’s hard… it’s hard to visit over the phone.  In the end, though, I felt like I already knew what I needed.  What’s really funny though is that I was looking to him for guidance on some churches in the NYC area.  But I had also done my homework.  There are two churches I am looking to investigate.  One, he had told me about years and years ago when I almost moved back to NY in 2000.  When I came across the name of the church, it sounded relatively familiar.  Another funny tidbit, I found the facebook group for that church online last night and two of my classmates at Stern are listed as members.  I reached out to one of them and will be attending the 10:30am service with her on Sunday.  Talk about God in action!  The other church sounded interesting and contemporary… very much my speed.  The other church he wanted to tell me about… that second church that had already resonated with me. God really is amazing.  Of course, having the “stamp of approval” from someone I respect within the Christian faith makes the impetus to attend that much stronger.

I am excited about the weeks ahead of me.  Maybe not the final exams I have to take and complete… but about the newfound (again) spiritual journey ahead.  It feels so much stronger this time around.  The strength of that power seems more wholesome too.  I have come back to God on my own.  The weight has been lifted from my shoulders by Him because I turned to Him and prayed.  No one is watching me.  The journey has always been personal… but now it is solo.  I am standing on my own two feet, and while I have friends who support me, those people who know my journey are far away.  No longer is someone watching me on Sunday to see if I am going to accept God into my life this week.  I am no longer going to church to maintain some kind of accountability.  I am going because I am compelled to go.  I believe the journey is supposed to be independent and while it is important to maintain horizontal relationships (as of this world) the most important relationship is the vertical one with God.  We live in a 3 dimensional world but relationships are 2 dimensional with the most critical one being a strict one dimensional path between oneself and God.

God, whatever you have for me, I receive

God, whatever you have for me, I receive

God, whatever you have for me, I receive

God, whatever you have for me, I receive

Why do we lose our passion and exuberance as we get older?  I’m still in the same mode as my last post.  I have been realizing that so much of my hope and excitement for what lies ahead in life has become jaded.  I’m not sure if that’s because I am back on a “safe” path for my life or if I feel like life has become routine.

Right now, I’m debating where I want to be after I graduate from Stern.  Do I want to stay in New York City or do I want a more suburban city, maybe a city like Atlanta.  Atlanta holds a bit of anonymity for me.  I know a few people there and it is only a couple of hours from Nashville.  It’s a progressive city (as opposed to other southern cities) and I wold be able to spend a lot of my free time outdoors in open areas.  I haven’t found my niche in New York City yet.  Maybe I should move to Hoboken if I stay here.  That has it’s advantages and disadvantages.

Regardless, this is my latest debate.  I am longing for the youthful hopefulness I had 10 years ago.  I want to look forward to life instead of feeling like I have a task list of things to accomplish e.g. getting married, having children… all of which depend on my finding someone but being sure not to settle.  I do want those things… but I want to enjoy the process and want to be happy with the decisions I choose.

Last night, before I went to bed I prayed.  I prayed about all of the imminent feelings on my heart lately.  Today, I woke up and I felt better.  I felt like I had given up a little piece of the weight on my shoulders.  I turned that piece over to God.  Tonight, I will pray again and tomorrow night, and so on.  Maybe when all is said and done, God will present to me the life I need to lead.  I need to abandon control.  My heart won’t feel so heavy and the things I need to do will present themselves in due time…

So for the last month or so I have been looking forward to November 21.  It was the Amy Grant Lead Me On 20th Anniversary concert in Morristown, NJ.  I was eagerly anticipating going to Sound check and the concert, but I also know that I would probably be disappointed.  I usually am disappointed when i attend any show by myself.  I’m okay with attending on my own as I would rather enjoy the concert on my own as I enjoy the music, than to take someone who doesn’t “get it”.  I have a lot of friends who would not understand how much Amy Grant’s music was a formidable component of who I was and who I have become.  The concert was 10 miles from where I grew up and the whole experience was surreal.  This is the music I listened to in the latter years of high school and throughout college.  It was also the music that I never got to experience live since I became a fan about 17 years ago. So I felt like this was a concert that should have been pegged somewhere in the “I missed it years ago, let’s fill in the holes/void of my history”.  It shocked me how much it mentally took me back into the pages of my “story”.

Well, sound check was fairly mellow.  I just sat there and took it all in.  Some really crazy fanatics as I “think” I used to be.  There was one woman who would just shout things out and was pretty obnoxious.  I don’t think I have ever been that way.  It’s not in my personality to be “look and me, look at me” when there is a crowd of people. But there was also someone there I met in 1996 at the Wildhorse Saloon in Nashville at the first FOA reception.

Prior to the concert, I had read John’s facebook posts.  I would roll my eyes as he went on and on about the 5 concert he had been to.  I read these posts and thought… please get a life.  But as I caught up with John again after the sound check, I realized that he has an energy and an enthusiasm that I no longer have.  I respect him so much more now.  He acknowledges that he’s over the top.  I think that’s all I was looking for.  At least when I loosely joke that he’s crazy, he knows it.

Anyway, I found the entire night to be exciting and fun but for the most part, confusing.  My worlds collided with a really strong force – past and present, spiritual and secular.  Everything I have been feeling this semester came crashing down on me on Friday.  On Friday, I was 20 years old again with all of the experiences I have had over the last 17 years up to the present.  I danced at the concert with all of the other Amy Grant fans in the audience.  I surrounded myself with the fans.  It’s been a long time since I’ve done that, and you know what???? I had a blast!!!  John was kind enough to give me a meet & greet pass he had so I had the opportunity to talk to Amy for a moment after the show.  In my mind I was back in Nashville again, wanting to be respectful of this person before me and not cross any “lines”.  I ended up mentioning something about going to church in Nashville during the time I lived there.  Amy mentioned something about recognizing me but never knowing where to place me.  At the end, I asked Amy if she keeps in touch with Mack and she told me where I could find his contact information.  I plan to email him soon, but I really don’t know what to say.  I want to reconnect with him, especially after the flood of emotions I felt after the concert on Friday, but I feel more lost than ever.  I still feel like I may have “crossed the line” in talking to Amy… but I need to realize, she is a human being, and due to circumstances in my past, our paths have crossed outside of the concert arena… why should I feel bad about that?

Ever since I’ve been back in NYC, I feel like I’ve embraced my Jewish roots more than ever.  However, I also realize that I shun religion more than ever.  I have faith, but who that God is I have no clue.  I feel somewhat hypocritical to every “religious” sector.  Friday made this feeling stronger than ever.  The music brought it all back to me.  However, I feeel like I have no place in this world.  That should not be interpreted as though I don’t have a life, I just feel like if my life were to settle down at this very moment, where would I “settle”?  I need to be somewhere where I fit in.  And yet, I almost feel like I don’t fit in anywhere.

It’s a crisp sunny fall day here in Manhattan.  I got up early and went to grab some Dunkin Donuts coffee and my Investors Business Daily paper.  The city was really quite at 9:00am despite the one hour we gained last night and the marathon this morning.  Weekend mornings are probably my favorite time in NYC.  The city is still asleep with a select few up and about.  The hustle and bustle of the city, the cutthroat competition, the determined pedestrians, are all asleep.  Maybe they are stirring or are staying confined to their apartments, but they are not gracing the city streets with their presence.  These morning moments are there to be cherished – when people are friendly and gracious.

So LA didn’t suck.  Not at all.  I had a blast and it worked out perfectly.  I saw almost everyone I wanted to see and had more fun than I ever expected.  I still don’t miss LA but I do miss some of the people.

Adjusting back to school life has been odd to say the least.  This year is entirely different from last year.  There was a more cohesive group last year.  I feel like I’m disconnected from everyone I was connected with last year.  For awhile, I thought this is the way everyone felt.  Now, I’m beginning to believe it may be isolated to me.  I’m completely okay with it, to an extent.  I’ve been a bit of a hermit and have had a lot going on, but I feel a little like I’ve been cast aside.  I know I need to make an effort when I want to be included.  Sometimes though, it’s just a timing thing.  Sometimes you’re not talking to the right person at the right time.  Yet, there are those people who are just so sociable and present and are always included on the email chains.  This year, those chains have not included me… I’ve gotta admit, those emails are quite hysterical… but alas…

I know part of this rant stems from insecurity.  Everyone likes feeling included.  And yet, I don’t feel excluded… I just feel removed.  Being removed is kind of lonely.  I feel like I’m putting my hands in so many pots that I just can keep track of everyone anymore.  I’ve always been that way.  At the same time, I am very aware that if I keep too many pots boiling, everything may boil over and I will be left with nothing.  Sometimes I just feel like I’m being a pain in the ass to stay involved with people at school, but it feels like that is the only way to actually stay included and in the loop of what is going on.

All in all, I think I just need to enjoy what I’m doing when I’m doing it.  I need to not worry about who is doing what when as though I should have the luxury of choice.  I would not have changed my plans last night had I known what else was happening, I just wanted to know what was going on.

I really shouldn’t complain at all.  I have great friends here, just not a tight-knit circle, but really, when have I ever had that?

I moved to NYC from LA a little over a year ago.  My first trip back there is this weekend.  However, it’s hard not to be disappointed by my friends.  I told them months ago that I would be visiting.  Told them the weekend.  Told them specific things I wanted to do.  Now they all seem to have plans for the weekend and want to recoordinate plans.  Yet, the things I wanted to do are no longer possible on those dates.  Was my expectation too high?  Why is it that when I know a friend is coming to town I try to coordinate my weekend around the person visiting and not figuring out the openings I have in my schedule to fit the visitor in?  I guess for me, it would also depend on my friendship.  The only conclusion I can come to is that my friendship isn’t good enough with those people.  I don’t konw what to think.  All I know is that I’m not that excited about visiting anymore. I’m really excited to see my old boss… and I am excited to see my friends but it just doens’t seem mutual and that’s a bummer.